


High Spirits and Idle Hands

by brilligspoons



Category: Killjoys (TV)
Genre: Alcohol, Drug Use, Gen, Humor
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-12-19
Updated: 2015-12-19
Packaged: 2018-05-07 15:37:22
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,946
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/5461925
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/brilligspoons/pseuds/brilligspoons
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>
  <i>"You know, when I envisioned us going out and doing some fun team-building activities in between warrants," Johnny says, "I honestly pictured less nudity. Or no nudity from outside parties, at least. I know us."</i>
</p>
            </blockquote>





	High Spirits and Idle Hands

**Author's Note:**

  * For [Dryad](https://archiveofourown.org/users/Dryad/gifts).



> Happy Yuletide, Dryad - I hope you enjoy this!
> 
> Thanks to my ever-patient beta for looking this over on short notice! <3

**now**

"You know, when I envisioned us going out and doing some fun team-building activities in between warrants," Johnny says, "I honestly pictured less nudity. Or no nudity from outside parties, at least. I know us."

He glances over to D'avin and Dutch just in time to see Dutch's left eye start to twitch as she stares at the naked Leithians surrounding them, blocking them from either retreating or reaching Lucy. They'd been so close to making it to the ship when the crowd had burst through the trees and underbrush, and now all Johnny can do is regret...basically everything he's done in the last seven days, really, but specifically tossing all that white powder over the barn loft edge as he ran behind Dutch and D'avin. There doesn't seem to be anyone near the ship itself, but if Johnny's learned anything from the last twenty minutes or so, it's that naked people could appear out of nowhere at any moment. _A weird but potentially useful life lesson,_ he thinks.

"Is this actually happening?" D'avin asks, a touch of hysteria creeping into his voice. Not that Johnny blames him—they've all been awake for nearly forty hours now, haven't bathed or changed clothes in longer, and the naked people have them all a little on edge.

Well. Maybe more than a _little_.

"I mean, am I really seeing this with my own two eyes?" D'avin waves a hand in front of Dutch's face. "Are you seeing this? Am I hallucinating? Am I even alive?"

Dutch sighs heavily and looks up at the sky. "Pretty sure we're all seeing the same thing," she says.

Johnny (very tactfully, in his opinion) doesn't say anything lest Dutch and D'av suddenly recall it's entirely his fault that they're here in the first place. He tilts his head to the right as the circle of nude people continues to walk in a ring around them, arms tightly woven together to prevent them from escaping (easily, that is—he imagines if Dutch were less concerned with not pissing off Seyah Kendry more than she already has, they'd already be back on Lucy and halfway to Westerley by now). The Leithians seem unconcerned about their lack of attire and proper footwear despite the rough terrain, though Johnny honestly hasn't been able to look any of them in the face to gauge facial expressions since the circle closed in on him, Dutch, and D'av. They could be in excruciating pain for all he knows, but he's not about to check.

"I hate this whole fucking planet," D'avin says as Dutch covers her face with her free hand. "Can we just never come here again? Please?"

"I'm not sure that's entirely feasible," Dutch replies.

_Fucking Fancy Lee and his stupid fucking bets,_ Johnny thinks. He takes a step back towards Dutch when the circle comes in a little too close for comfort. _I can't wait to punch him in his smug fucking face._

**one week ago**

Johnny, as a general rule, likes to keep himself occupied, enjoys being busy and in motion and engaged in whatever activity or task is at hand. There's always a warrant to chase, or a new part to try out on Lucy, or an errand to run to keep Pree happy. He's not about to argue with Dutch, though, when she declares that four months without more than a day or two off is too much even for her, and that if she sees Johnny or D'av doing anything remotely resembling work over the next five or six days, she'll kick their asses clear across the J. It's not the first time she's made this threat, and he'd rather not experience her following through on it for a second time, so Johnny merely mock-salutes her and steers D'av back to the bar for a few more drinks.

"Gentlemen," Fancy Lee greets them as he slides into the empty chair at their table near the bar. "I notice Dutch has left you to our tender mercies." Johnny would argue the use of _our_ since Fancy isn't exactly known to associate with the rabble, as it were, but since there are three of him right now, Johnny decides to let it go.

"Pree's tender mercies, more like," Johnny hears himself slur. D'avin raises his glass to toast that and knocks back the rest of his whiskey before pouring another measure. The bottle is empty when he puts it back down on the table. Johnny frowns at him. D'av groans and pours half his glass into Johnny's.

"And more than likely Pawter's tomorrow morning," Fancy Lee says. "That bored with your vacation already?"

"She literally just told us an hour ago, so no," D'av tells him. "Ask us again tomorrow night."

All three Fancy Lees suddenly wave to someone behind them. Johnny considers turning to see who it is, but Pree appears a moment later to grab up the empty whiskey bottle and replace it with a half-full one. He loves Pree. Pree is his first favorite.

"That's sweet of you, darling, I'm really flattered," Pree says, patting him on the shoulder before he disappears again.

Fancy Lee tops off Johnny's glass, then D'av's. "So," he says, "any plans for your enforced downtime?"

"Sleep off the hangover I'll have tomorrow," says Johnny.

"Same, brother," agrees D'av. They toast each other this time.

"Interesting, interesting," Fancy Lee says. "A fine, solid plan. But what if you did something other than that?"

Johnny waggles a finger at him, or thinks he does, anyway. His arms are heavy. "Dutch says no warrants and no fixing Lucy."

"Not a warrant—more like a game, with a magnificent prize going to the winner, or winners, as the case may hopefully be."

Johnny blinks at him. "Why are you telling us this? Sounds like something you'd normally do all on your lonesome."

"Well, the game is for teams only, and I don't have one, do I? But here you both are, bored Jaqobis brothers, drinking to fill the time, abandoned by your leader. You need an occupation, my friends, and I am in need of a team I can split the profits with once we win this thing. Do you follow me?"

Johnny doesn't think he'd normally entertain the idea, but D'av seems to have passed out on the table and he can't stop himself from asking, "What's the game?"

Fancy Lee smiles. "I'm so glad you asked."

**four days ago**

The cockpit of the unregistered vessel they'd borrowed from an associate of Fancy Lee's opens with a slow hiss of escaping air to reveal Dutch, furious and glorious and ever so slightly manic. Johnny instinctively flinches at the sight of her clenched jaw and wide eyes. D'avin stays flat on his back underneath the console, though it's unclear if that's due to him sensing danger or to sheer exhaustion.

"Dutch," Johnny begins.

She raises a hand. "Don't even start with me, John Jaqobis," she says. "Pree tells me you two disappeared with Fancy Lee, falling over drunk and insensible, and three days later I finally find you playing hide and seek with a bunch of farmers? The _hell_ is wrong with you?"

"If I may," D'av interjects, "I would like to claim victimhood here. I was kidnapped—" Johnny kicks him in the knee "— _and_ I'm being abused by my own flesh and blood."

"I honestly don't care," Dutch replies, but she crosses the floor and helps D'av get up, then squeezes Johnny's shoulder. "Where the hell is that rat bastard, and how did he trick you into doing his dirty work?"

Johnny considers his options. He could tell her the truth (that he'd been drunker than drunk when he signed what turned out to be a legally-binding contract for both him and D'av, which would probably result in her never letting him out of her sight ever again), or he could try to shrug off the question and wrangle her and D'avin back to Lucy (just kidding, Dutch would see through that in a second). He supposes he could lie, make something up to satisfy her ire until they're safely back in Old Town, but lying to Dutch always leaves him feeling like he's drowned a sackful of kittens, so he makes a point not to do it that much.

The truth it is, then. He'll live with the lifetime of humiliation they're about to heap on him somehow.

But just as he's about to confess, Johnny feels cold metal press against his cheek.

**two days ago**

"I can't believe a bunch of Leithian farmers got the drop on us," D'avin repeats for the tenth time, just as indignant about it now as he was when it first happened. He's too far away to be kicked, unfortunately, so Johnny adds another tick to the tally he's keeping in his head.

"What I still can't believe," Dutch says, "is that Johnny signed a contract with Fancy Lee that bound you to steal a piece of equipment from every farm on Leith. What even is the point of that?"

"It's part of a game," Johnny mumbles.

Dutch shoots him withering look. "Nice. That reassures me _not at all_. You hadn't even had the chance to get bored by the downtime."

He's saved from further scorn when two of their jailers reappear in the barn loft they're being held in. One of the Leithians is holding six or seven garden hoes in her arms. Johnny doesn't need to look at the brands burned into the wooden handles to know they're the ones they'd stolen. The other farmer stops a few paces away from him and gestures back to his companion.

"How the hell did you know about this?" he demands. Behind him, the other farmer drops most of the hoes save one, which she snaps in half. The handles are, apparently, hollowed out and filled with some sort of white, crystalline powder.

Dutch barks out a laugh. "Congratulations, boys, you've uncovered a drug smuggling ring and solved Fancy Lee's warrant for him."

**now**

"I thought making nice with one of the Nine meant never having to deal with Leithians," Johnny says.

"There are so many things wrong with that assumption, I don't even know where to begin," replies Dutch. "Anyway, she got them to let us go in the first place, and who knows how much ass-licking I'm going to have to do to pay her back for that, so thanks for that, Jaqobis."

Johnny exchanges a look with D'avin behind her back.

"Never said anything about reclaiming the drugs, I'm guessing?" D'av hazards. He's still got a crazed glint in his eyes, but he seems calmer now the three of them have been forced closer together within the circle.

Dutch huffs out a disdainful breath that tells them everything they need to know about that. "I'm sure Fancy's warrant— _Johnny_ —has some clause or other about seizure of goods, but Seyah Kendry has graciously voided your contract, so it's not our problem."

The part of the circle directly in front of them lurches forward all of a sudden. They all take a step back in surprise, and Johnny risks glancing over to Lucy. In the sky over her, still some distance away, there's a ship heading straight for them. As it gets closer, he recognizes it as Fancy's personal vessel, and then it's hovering in the air directly over them.

Johnny groans and closes his eyes as a hatch opens and a rush of cold water comes down on them and the drugged-up naked Leithians, who immediately break rank and start to shriek.

_I need a vacation,_ Johnny thinks.


End file.
